Over the Top

It's funny how sometimes one little thing can just put you over the top. Then there are other times that maybe you're already over the top. Tonight... I'm not sure which one it was.

I'm sick of mean people. Of people being blatantly rude to me. Am I really that bad of a person? Have I done something that I don't know about? Do I come off differently than who I really am?

Let me lay it out again. I am a shy, shy person. Often times, I am a rather insecure person. Not so much about who I am. But in situations like tonight I am maximally insecure. I do not enjoy meanness, crudeness, rudeness, any of it. Not one bit. In fact, it makes me physically feel sick. I am an honest person. I'm nice to almost everyone. In fact, I only say almost everyone because, being a math geek, I know how absolute words can be.

I'm a bit off track. Life has been throwing me some curve balls, some screw balls, some odd slow balls that drop quicker than I expected... though somehow, today was a good day. Nicole invited me to dinner and it was genuinely great. I was happy and it felt so nice to hang out with girls. Especially that these girls I've hardly ever really hung out with outside of church were totally nice and made me feel normal. I wasn't worried about my life or bummed about everything that just went down. I was still happy. Then that one thing that puts you over the top happened. And my world kind of froze. It shouldn't have been such a big deal. It shouldn't have affected me so much. Obviously it wasn't really all that. But I felt like I took a punch to the chest. Like I could hardly breathe or think. I just needed to escape. So, I did what I always do. Escaped to the bathroom for a few minutes. What an elaborate plan.

In the midst of all of these frustrations it made me think. Yeah, there are things that can put you over the top and things that seem to knock down all the positive progress you've made. But you know what? There are truly positive things that put you over the top too. Things like that dinner. Things like friends being there for you. Things like girls that are truly nice and exhibit God's love in every sense of the word. Things like friends that tell you the things you need to hear, even when they know you may not like it... and that will encourage you when they know you need it most too. I'm choosing to focus on that. To be thankful that while today there was one thing to put me over the top negatively, I had a lot of positive things in my life. Little gifts from God to help me through.

Sean showed me a John Piper video on youtube earlier. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PTc_FoELt8s&feature=related It's true. God is glorified when through whatever it is, we still praise Him. This is nothing like those extremes. But still, I choose God. I choose His way, His time, His love. I choose Him. And hearing that message again, as cheesy as it sounds, all I can think of is, "my cup floweth over." While I am sad, somehow I feel thankful. While I am deeply, deeply hurt, I feel peace. While I am experiencing waves of sorrow, I feel it's really ok. Big things are happening in my life. God brought me here. He'll bring me to the next place.

PS: If you haven't already, watch that video. It's short enough. Just do it. Thank Sean later.