Finding...

God in places you weren't looking.

Peace in the midst of chaos.

Truth in a world of deceit.

Direction while being so, so lost.

All miracles in their own right. God is so good. Not because He gave me something amazing. Not because He answered "yes" to one of my prayers. Because He truly is GOOD. He defines good. If ever anything has goodness, it comes from God. That's an awful lot of good. There are many more things with good in them in this world than zeroes in a googolplex, for sure.

Lately I've felt less purposeful than usual. Not on purpose. Completely by accident, in fact. When I got tired and sick, it lead to a lack of motivation, which led to a slight period of being bummed out. Bummed out that I wasn't doing things I knew I should be able to and things I could be doing as well. I got stuck in this hole and I wasn't sure how to get out. I don't think I'm all the way out, but I do believe that I see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's God and He's calling me to action. In my mind I think, "finally!" yet in reality, I'm sure He's been there a while, there were just things clouding my vision.

I've found myself looking back on the mission trip to Fiji lately, feeling like it was an entirely different lifetime. It was such a huge experience, such a growing experience, such a learning experience, and somehow it got pushed back behind all the clutter of today. I put a couple photo albums up on facebook. Not so much to show off that I've been to Fiji or that I went on a mission trip, but as a reminder to me. Those people taught me so much, and God taught me so much through them and through myself on that trip. On my own, I get too insecure to go on another trip. Thoughts like: "I'm not good at giving testimonies or preaching, I get too nervous, I freeze up... so they don't need someone like me, they need those kind of people. What would I be able to do." or "Ew, they ate fish eyeballs there? I couldn't go there. I couldn't eat a fish eyeball." or "the spiders are how big there? I can't go there." The truth is, I will go wherever God calls me. Even if, despite my inner pleadings, it means I have to eat goat testicles or sleep in ants (oh God, pleeeeeease don't make me ever sleep in ants... ok maybe if that happens I'll climb on top of something with tons of ant spray and not sleep. But I'll go,) I will go.

Even beyond mission trips, if I'm called to be here. So be it! I will be here in the greatest capacity God has for me. I may not have a "specific ministry" as of this moment, but I am striving to be who God wants me to be more than ever. Striving to put myself in places to hear His voice more than ever. Striving to stop and listen more than ever. And striving to pray and praise Him more than ever.

It's amazing how praising God and praying can make ME feel better. I'm not doing it for me. I'm not even praying for me or anything I want some of the times. Yet somehow my life is better when it is filled with prayer. God is so generous and pours so many blessings out onto our lives. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in worry or busy-ness or nonsense that we don't stop to notice all the blessings we have in our lives.

There is nothing in the world like feeling God's presence. Nothing. I think I'd gone too long without it. It didn't make me doubt Him or trust Him less, but it did make me forget that awestruck feeling of really seeing God work. God can even work when we don't feel Him, of course, but sometimes He allows us a peek. It may be while we're lying on the couch and just get a quick glimpse, having no idea what He's up to, but that glimpse is so marvelous, so inspiring. I'm pretty sure I'd forgotten that.

It's funny that I started re-reading Praise Habit by David Crowder a few nights ago. The sub-title of the book is: Finding God in Sunsets and Sushi, and in one of the introductions he goes into how after an earth shattering event and not "finding" God for quite sometime, it was in a Chick-fil-A sandwich that he found Him. What a coincidence that after reading that a few nights ago is when I sit here talking about my own experience with God. I'm sure the few of you reading this now think it is not a coincidence but a projection in my mind off something I read... ha, but whatever. All I can do is rattle off my thoughts as they come. That's what this blog is for.

And then there's that peace again. That peace that reminds you that the Counselor Jesus spoke of, the one He was sending to be here with us once He went to be with the Father, is in fact HERE. Here showering us with God's peace, surrounding us with His comfort, and lifting us out of our pits.

That Psalm is still one of my favorites. I love the way the Message Bible puts it. It just illustrates to me how God reached down into the pit for David. But, not only did He show up and reach in, He got dirty to do it. Our pure, clean Lord got Himself dirty for us. Not only did He get Himself dirty, He then set David on solid rock, putting him in position to start again and succeed. I know He does that for us. What would we do without Him? Seriously?

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=psalm%2040&version=65 There it is, Psalm 40. Read it. God is amazing and mind blowing. As much so today as He was thousands of years ago.

In a focus switch, if you pray, I'd love if you wouldn't mind praying for me. God is doing something.. but on top of that, I feel a lot of weirdness around me. I can't tell whether it's weirdness bad or weirdness good. But I definitely feel it. I would love nothing more than to KNOW what God is asking of me so I can do it. I can be so literal sometimes that I drive myself crazy. God built me that way, right? Gave me a mind that is capable of understanding and following directions? Interpretation is good in other areas, but sometimes I wonder just how much interpretation is good with God? Is it like a mathematical proof? Are there multiple ways to prove the conjecture leading to a theorem? Or is it more absolute? Like this is the narrow path you take, the others are the easy ones that lead you away from God's path?

One thing I do believe is that there isn't an unfixable wrong way. If the holder of all of these supposed paths was a forest, say there are five paths. One of them is the narrow path, winding through bushes and brier patches and leech filled rivers and over mountains... the other four don't lead you off into the desert to face an undeliverable fate of dehydration and sun stroke. They don't lead to the same place God's path does either, but there are a bunch of tiny paths, some maybe slightly overgrown and harder to see, that will lead back to that narrow path. You can take detours from God's will. But God still has a will for you. He still invites you to follow Him, from wherever you are. Whether it is for the first time ever, or if this is your 100th time swimming against the river to get back onto the path. God is unchanging and His love never fails.

I think a lot of us get this anxiety about making choices in our life. Like if we make the wrong one, we've screwed up forever. If we don't take the new job offer and it was the one God wanted, then we're stuck in a job we hate for the rest of our lives. If we don't get involved in the right ministry at the right age, then it's too late to start later in life. If we break up with the right "one" then we've missed our shot at God's idea of our soulmate.

NO.

Our God does not work that way. He is not a one chance God. He forgives us infinite times, and along with that forgiveness comes the omniscience of knowing that we aren't perfect. We are a deeply flawed people unable of reaching perfection. That extends to our choices in life. And God's omniscience extends to knowing which "wrong" choices we're going to make! God's will is bigger than anything we can imagine, His power stronger than the mightiest on this earth.

If we don't take "the" job offer, then something else will come. God will lead us into the field He wants us in, the field He's made us to work in and be happy in. In His time, He will lead us back to that place. If we didn't start singing at the age of 10, but feel God would've wanted us to do worship, He probably still wants us to do worship! If we break up with the "one," and they truly ARE the "one," then in God's time, He will bring them back into our lives. I have no doubt in that. He is bigger than us. And as long as we continue to seek Him, and try to make choices that would honor Him, He will bless us, not cast us down into the losers sections with the rest of the people who didn't see the perfect choice for them the first time around.

Here's to letting God do the leading, with less fear and anxiety.