Have you ever been all set to do something, and got a feeling that maybe you just don't belong? Not in a weird, acceptance way. Just in general, perhaps as deep as in a God way. For whatever reason, maybe you aren't supposed to be a part of that. It's a weird feeling. Not sure how I feel about it...
Today is one of those moment where I almost feel like I'm not living my life, but watching it be lived. That, also, is an odd feeling. It seems a bit like I'm floating through life today.
Hmm... what else weird will happen today? At this rate, I'm sure it's bound to be something.
Friday, May 30, 2008
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Finding...
God in places you weren't looking.
Peace in the midst of chaos.
Truth in a world of deceit.
Direction while being so, so lost.
All miracles in their own right. God is so good. Not because He gave me something amazing. Not because He answered "yes" to one of my prayers. Because He truly is GOOD. He defines good. If ever anything has goodness, it comes from God. That's an awful lot of good. There are many more things with good in them in this world than zeroes in a googolplex, for sure.
Lately I've felt less purposeful than usual. Not on purpose. Completely by accident, in fact. When I got tired and sick, it lead to a lack of motivation, which led to a slight period of being bummed out. Bummed out that I wasn't doing things I knew I should be able to and things I could be doing as well. I got stuck in this hole and I wasn't sure how to get out. I don't think I'm all the way out, but I do believe that I see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's God and He's calling me to action. In my mind I think, "finally!" yet in reality, I'm sure He's been there a while, there were just things clouding my vision.
I've found myself looking back on the mission trip to Fiji lately, feeling like it was an entirely different lifetime. It was such a huge experience, such a growing experience, such a learning experience, and somehow it got pushed back behind all the clutter of today. I put a couple photo albums up on facebook. Not so much to show off that I've been to Fiji or that I went on a mission trip, but as a reminder to me. Those people taught me so much, and God taught me so much through them and through myself on that trip. On my own, I get too insecure to go on another trip. Thoughts like: "I'm not good at giving testimonies or preaching, I get too nervous, I freeze up... so they don't need someone like me, they need those kind of people. What would I be able to do." or "Ew, they ate fish eyeballs there? I couldn't go there. I couldn't eat a fish eyeball." or "the spiders are how big there? I can't go there." The truth is, I will go wherever God calls me. Even if, despite my inner pleadings, it means I have to eat goat testicles or sleep in ants (oh God, pleeeeeease don't make me ever sleep in ants... ok maybe if that happens I'll climb on top of something with tons of ant spray and not sleep. But I'll go,) I will go.
Even beyond mission trips, if I'm called to be here. So be it! I will be here in the greatest capacity God has for me. I may not have a "specific ministry" as of this moment, but I am striving to be who God wants me to be more than ever. Striving to put myself in places to hear His voice more than ever. Striving to stop and listen more than ever. And striving to pray and praise Him more than ever.
It's amazing how praising God and praying can make ME feel better. I'm not doing it for me. I'm not even praying for me or anything I want some of the times. Yet somehow my life is better when it is filled with prayer. God is so generous and pours so many blessings out onto our lives. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in worry or busy-ness or nonsense that we don't stop to notice all the blessings we have in our lives.
There is nothing in the world like feeling God's presence. Nothing. I think I'd gone too long without it. It didn't make me doubt Him or trust Him less, but it did make me forget that awestruck feeling of really seeing God work. God can even work when we don't feel Him, of course, but sometimes He allows us a peek. It may be while we're lying on the couch and just get a quick glimpse, having no idea what He's up to, but that glimpse is so marvelous, so inspiring. I'm pretty sure I'd forgotten that.
It's funny that I started re-reading Praise Habit by David Crowder a few nights ago. The sub-title of the book is: Finding God in Sunsets and Sushi, and in one of the introductions he goes into how after an earth shattering event and not "finding" God for quite sometime, it was in a Chick-fil-A sandwich that he found Him. What a coincidence that after reading that a few nights ago is when I sit here talking about my own experience with God. I'm sure the few of you reading this now think it is not a coincidence but a projection in my mind off something I read... ha, but whatever. All I can do is rattle off my thoughts as they come. That's what this blog is for.
And then there's that peace again. That peace that reminds you that the Counselor Jesus spoke of, the one He was sending to be here with us once He went to be with the Father, is in fact HERE. Here showering us with God's peace, surrounding us with His comfort, and lifting us out of our pits.
That Psalm is still one of my favorites. I love the way the Message Bible puts it. It just illustrates to me how God reached down into the pit for David. But, not only did He show up and reach in, He got dirty to do it. Our pure, clean Lord got Himself dirty for us. Not only did He get Himself dirty, He then set David on solid rock, putting him in position to start again and succeed. I know He does that for us. What would we do without Him? Seriously?
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=psalm%2040&version=65 There it is, Psalm 40. Read it. God is amazing and mind blowing. As much so today as He was thousands of years ago.
In a focus switch, if you pray, I'd love if you wouldn't mind praying for me. God is doing something.. but on top of that, I feel a lot of weirdness around me. I can't tell whether it's weirdness bad or weirdness good. But I definitely feel it. I would love nothing more than to KNOW what God is asking of me so I can do it. I can be so literal sometimes that I drive myself crazy. God built me that way, right? Gave me a mind that is capable of understanding and following directions? Interpretation is good in other areas, but sometimes I wonder just how much interpretation is good with God? Is it like a mathematical proof? Are there multiple ways to prove the conjecture leading to a theorem? Or is it more absolute? Like this is the narrow path you take, the others are the easy ones that lead you away from God's path?
One thing I do believe is that there isn't an unfixable wrong way. If the holder of all of these supposed paths was a forest, say there are five paths. One of them is the narrow path, winding through bushes and brier patches and leech filled rivers and over mountains... the other four don't lead you off into the desert to face an undeliverable fate of dehydration and sun stroke. They don't lead to the same place God's path does either, but there are a bunch of tiny paths, some maybe slightly overgrown and harder to see, that will lead back to that narrow path. You can take detours from God's will. But God still has a will for you. He still invites you to follow Him, from wherever you are. Whether it is for the first time ever, or if this is your 100th time swimming against the river to get back onto the path. God is unchanging and His love never fails.
I think a lot of us get this anxiety about making choices in our life. Like if we make the wrong one, we've screwed up forever. If we don't take the new job offer and it was the one God wanted, then we're stuck in a job we hate for the rest of our lives. If we don't get involved in the right ministry at the right age, then it's too late to start later in life. If we break up with the right "one" then we've missed our shot at God's idea of our soulmate.
NO.
Our God does not work that way. He is not a one chance God. He forgives us infinite times, and along with that forgiveness comes the omniscience of knowing that we aren't perfect. We are a deeply flawed people unable of reaching perfection. That extends to our choices in life. And God's omniscience extends to knowing which "wrong" choices we're going to make! God's will is bigger than anything we can imagine, His power stronger than the mightiest on this earth.
If we don't take "the" job offer, then something else will come. God will lead us into the field He wants us in, the field He's made us to work in and be happy in. In His time, He will lead us back to that place. If we didn't start singing at the age of 10, but feel God would've wanted us to do worship, He probably still wants us to do worship! If we break up with the "one," and they truly ARE the "one," then in God's time, He will bring them back into our lives. I have no doubt in that. He is bigger than us. And as long as we continue to seek Him, and try to make choices that would honor Him, He will bless us, not cast us down into the losers sections with the rest of the people who didn't see the perfect choice for them the first time around.
Here's to letting God do the leading, with less fear and anxiety.
Peace in the midst of chaos.
Truth in a world of deceit.
Direction while being so, so lost.
All miracles in their own right. God is so good. Not because He gave me something amazing. Not because He answered "yes" to one of my prayers. Because He truly is GOOD. He defines good. If ever anything has goodness, it comes from God. That's an awful lot of good. There are many more things with good in them in this world than zeroes in a googolplex, for sure.
Lately I've felt less purposeful than usual. Not on purpose. Completely by accident, in fact. When I got tired and sick, it lead to a lack of motivation, which led to a slight period of being bummed out. Bummed out that I wasn't doing things I knew I should be able to and things I could be doing as well. I got stuck in this hole and I wasn't sure how to get out. I don't think I'm all the way out, but I do believe that I see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's God and He's calling me to action. In my mind I think, "finally!" yet in reality, I'm sure He's been there a while, there were just things clouding my vision.
I've found myself looking back on the mission trip to Fiji lately, feeling like it was an entirely different lifetime. It was such a huge experience, such a growing experience, such a learning experience, and somehow it got pushed back behind all the clutter of today. I put a couple photo albums up on facebook. Not so much to show off that I've been to Fiji or that I went on a mission trip, but as a reminder to me. Those people taught me so much, and God taught me so much through them and through myself on that trip. On my own, I get too insecure to go on another trip. Thoughts like: "I'm not good at giving testimonies or preaching, I get too nervous, I freeze up... so they don't need someone like me, they need those kind of people. What would I be able to do." or "Ew, they ate fish eyeballs there? I couldn't go there. I couldn't eat a fish eyeball." or "the spiders are how big there? I can't go there." The truth is, I will go wherever God calls me. Even if, despite my inner pleadings, it means I have to eat goat testicles or sleep in ants (oh God, pleeeeeease don't make me ever sleep in ants... ok maybe if that happens I'll climb on top of something with tons of ant spray and not sleep. But I'll go,) I will go.
Even beyond mission trips, if I'm called to be here. So be it! I will be here in the greatest capacity God has for me. I may not have a "specific ministry" as of this moment, but I am striving to be who God wants me to be more than ever. Striving to put myself in places to hear His voice more than ever. Striving to stop and listen more than ever. And striving to pray and praise Him more than ever.
It's amazing how praising God and praying can make ME feel better. I'm not doing it for me. I'm not even praying for me or anything I want some of the times. Yet somehow my life is better when it is filled with prayer. God is so generous and pours so many blessings out onto our lives. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in worry or busy-ness or nonsense that we don't stop to notice all the blessings we have in our lives.
There is nothing in the world like feeling God's presence. Nothing. I think I'd gone too long without it. It didn't make me doubt Him or trust Him less, but it did make me forget that awestruck feeling of really seeing God work. God can even work when we don't feel Him, of course, but sometimes He allows us a peek. It may be while we're lying on the couch and just get a quick glimpse, having no idea what He's up to, but that glimpse is so marvelous, so inspiring. I'm pretty sure I'd forgotten that.
It's funny that I started re-reading Praise Habit by David Crowder a few nights ago. The sub-title of the book is: Finding God in Sunsets and Sushi, and in one of the introductions he goes into how after an earth shattering event and not "finding" God for quite sometime, it was in a Chick-fil-A sandwich that he found Him. What a coincidence that after reading that a few nights ago is when I sit here talking about my own experience with God. I'm sure the few of you reading this now think it is not a coincidence but a projection in my mind off something I read... ha, but whatever. All I can do is rattle off my thoughts as they come. That's what this blog is for.
And then there's that peace again. That peace that reminds you that the Counselor Jesus spoke of, the one He was sending to be here with us once He went to be with the Father, is in fact HERE. Here showering us with God's peace, surrounding us with His comfort, and lifting us out of our pits.
That Psalm is still one of my favorites. I love the way the Message Bible puts it. It just illustrates to me how God reached down into the pit for David. But, not only did He show up and reach in, He got dirty to do it. Our pure, clean Lord got Himself dirty for us. Not only did He get Himself dirty, He then set David on solid rock, putting him in position to start again and succeed. I know He does that for us. What would we do without Him? Seriously?
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=psalm%2040&version=65 There it is, Psalm 40. Read it. God is amazing and mind blowing. As much so today as He was thousands of years ago.
In a focus switch, if you pray, I'd love if you wouldn't mind praying for me. God is doing something.. but on top of that, I feel a lot of weirdness around me. I can't tell whether it's weirdness bad or weirdness good. But I definitely feel it. I would love nothing more than to KNOW what God is asking of me so I can do it. I can be so literal sometimes that I drive myself crazy. God built me that way, right? Gave me a mind that is capable of understanding and following directions? Interpretation is good in other areas, but sometimes I wonder just how much interpretation is good with God? Is it like a mathematical proof? Are there multiple ways to prove the conjecture leading to a theorem? Or is it more absolute? Like this is the narrow path you take, the others are the easy ones that lead you away from God's path?
One thing I do believe is that there isn't an unfixable wrong way. If the holder of all of these supposed paths was a forest, say there are five paths. One of them is the narrow path, winding through bushes and brier patches and leech filled rivers and over mountains... the other four don't lead you off into the desert to face an undeliverable fate of dehydration and sun stroke. They don't lead to the same place God's path does either, but there are a bunch of tiny paths, some maybe slightly overgrown and harder to see, that will lead back to that narrow path. You can take detours from God's will. But God still has a will for you. He still invites you to follow Him, from wherever you are. Whether it is for the first time ever, or if this is your 100th time swimming against the river to get back onto the path. God is unchanging and His love never fails.
I think a lot of us get this anxiety about making choices in our life. Like if we make the wrong one, we've screwed up forever. If we don't take the new job offer and it was the one God wanted, then we're stuck in a job we hate for the rest of our lives. If we don't get involved in the right ministry at the right age, then it's too late to start later in life. If we break up with the right "one" then we've missed our shot at God's idea of our soulmate.
NO.
Our God does not work that way. He is not a one chance God. He forgives us infinite times, and along with that forgiveness comes the omniscience of knowing that we aren't perfect. We are a deeply flawed people unable of reaching perfection. That extends to our choices in life. And God's omniscience extends to knowing which "wrong" choices we're going to make! God's will is bigger than anything we can imagine, His power stronger than the mightiest on this earth.
If we don't take "the" job offer, then something else will come. God will lead us into the field He wants us in, the field He's made us to work in and be happy in. In His time, He will lead us back to that place. If we didn't start singing at the age of 10, but feel God would've wanted us to do worship, He probably still wants us to do worship! If we break up with the "one," and they truly ARE the "one," then in God's time, He will bring them back into our lives. I have no doubt in that. He is bigger than us. And as long as we continue to seek Him, and try to make choices that would honor Him, He will bless us, not cast us down into the losers sections with the rest of the people who didn't see the perfect choice for them the first time around.
Here's to letting God do the leading, with less fear and anxiety.
Sunday, May 4, 2008
Peace
Some days I wake up feeling so peaceful that it confuses me. I haven't stepped outside yet, but from the light flowing through the closed blinds I can tell it's a beautiful day. Something about it makes me want to be in the midst of all that sun and clean air. Ok, not really clean air since this is Riverside, but as close as it comes.
Brooke Fraser's Arithmetic is the song playing in the background right now, that could be adding to the peace. Zipadeedoodah came on too. I don't care what you say. That is one of the happiest songs in creation. How can you not smile and want to whistle when you hear it?
Something about days like today make me want to create. To envision something new. To ride a bike. To go sit on a blanket at the park and hang with friends in the shade of some beautiful tree. One of God's greatest creations, in my opinion. That last one is the most probable as I am not particularly creative. Something about that analytical math brain doesn't translate well to art. The envisioning? It's possible while the air outside is clear perhaps my brain is too clouded. Riding a bike? Ha. It sounds wonderful. Two problems. A) I don't own a bike. B) Me? Exercise? Lately that's a rare occurance. I know, I know... I really should. Pilates is still waiting... a glorious, magical exercise.
Natalie brought chrysanthemums home from Trader Joe's last week and placed them in cute strawberry cups on our coffee table. Did you know that they've found that having flowers in the home greatly increases one's happiness and contentment with their surroundings? I was never a big "bring me flowwwwwwers" girl, but I'm digging having flowers around. I buy it.
I still feel like a loser for having gotten so far behind in school that I really can't catch up, except in one class. That professor is awesome. If you ever end up at CSUSB, take Dr. Negin for your upper division expository writing requirement.
Peace Freak out.
Brooke Fraser's Arithmetic is the song playing in the background right now, that could be adding to the peace. Zipadeedoodah came on too. I don't care what you say. That is one of the happiest songs in creation. How can you not smile and want to whistle when you hear it?
Something about days like today make me want to create. To envision something new. To ride a bike. To go sit on a blanket at the park and hang with friends in the shade of some beautiful tree. One of God's greatest creations, in my opinion. That last one is the most probable as I am not particularly creative. Something about that analytical math brain doesn't translate well to art. The envisioning? It's possible while the air outside is clear perhaps my brain is too clouded. Riding a bike? Ha. It sounds wonderful. Two problems. A) I don't own a bike. B) Me? Exercise? Lately that's a rare occurance. I know, I know... I really should. Pilates is still waiting... a glorious, magical exercise.
Natalie brought chrysanthemums home from Trader Joe's last week and placed them in cute strawberry cups on our coffee table. Did you know that they've found that having flowers in the home greatly increases one's happiness and contentment with their surroundings? I was never a big "bring me flowwwwwwers" girl, but I'm digging having flowers around. I buy it.
I still feel like a loser for having gotten so far behind in school that I really can't catch up, except in one class. That professor is awesome. If you ever end up at CSUSB, take Dr. Negin for your upper division expository writing requirement.
Peace Freak out.
Saturday, May 3, 2008
Over the Top
It's funny how sometimes one little thing can just put you over the top. Then there are other times that maybe you're already over the top. Tonight... I'm not sure which one it was.
I'm sick of mean people. Of people being blatantly rude to me. Am I really that bad of a person? Have I done something that I don't know about? Do I come off differently than who I really am?
Let me lay it out again. I am a shy, shy person. Often times, I am a rather insecure person. Not so much about who I am. But in situations like tonight I am maximally insecure. I do not enjoy meanness, crudeness, rudeness, any of it. Not one bit. In fact, it makes me physically feel sick. I am an honest person. I'm nice to almost everyone. In fact, I only say almost everyone because, being a math geek, I know how absolute words can be.
I'm a bit off track. Life has been throwing me some curve balls, some screw balls, some odd slow balls that drop quicker than I expected... though somehow, today was a good day. Nicole invited me to dinner and it was genuinely great. I was happy and it felt so nice to hang out with girls. Especially that these girls I've hardly ever really hung out with outside of church were totally nice and made me feel normal. I wasn't worried about my life or bummed about everything that just went down. I was still happy. Then that one thing that puts you over the top happened. And my world kind of froze. It shouldn't have been such a big deal. It shouldn't have affected me so much. Obviously it wasn't really all that. But I felt like I took a punch to the chest. Like I could hardly breathe or think. I just needed to escape. So, I did what I always do. Escaped to the bathroom for a few minutes. What an elaborate plan.
In the midst of all of these frustrations it made me think. Yeah, there are things that can put you over the top and things that seem to knock down all the positive progress you've made. But you know what? There are truly positive things that put you over the top too. Things like that dinner. Things like friends being there for you. Things like girls that are truly nice and exhibit God's love in every sense of the word. Things like friends that tell you the things you need to hear, even when they know you may not like it... and that will encourage you when they know you need it most too. I'm choosing to focus on that. To be thankful that while today there was one thing to put me over the top negatively, I had a lot of positive things in my life. Little gifts from God to help me through.
Sean showed me a John Piper video on youtube earlier. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PTc_FoELt8s&feature=related It's true. God is glorified when through whatever it is, we still praise Him. This is nothing like those extremes. But still, I choose God. I choose His way, His time, His love. I choose Him. And hearing that message again, as cheesy as it sounds, all I can think of is, "my cup floweth over." While I am sad, somehow I feel thankful. While I am deeply, deeply hurt, I feel peace. While I am experiencing waves of sorrow, I feel it's really ok. Big things are happening in my life. God brought me here. He'll bring me to the next place.
PS: If you haven't already, watch that video. It's short enough. Just do it. Thank Sean later.
I'm sick of mean people. Of people being blatantly rude to me. Am I really that bad of a person? Have I done something that I don't know about? Do I come off differently than who I really am?
Let me lay it out again. I am a shy, shy person. Often times, I am a rather insecure person. Not so much about who I am. But in situations like tonight I am maximally insecure. I do not enjoy meanness, crudeness, rudeness, any of it. Not one bit. In fact, it makes me physically feel sick. I am an honest person. I'm nice to almost everyone. In fact, I only say almost everyone because, being a math geek, I know how absolute words can be.
I'm a bit off track. Life has been throwing me some curve balls, some screw balls, some odd slow balls that drop quicker than I expected... though somehow, today was a good day. Nicole invited me to dinner and it was genuinely great. I was happy and it felt so nice to hang out with girls. Especially that these girls I've hardly ever really hung out with outside of church were totally nice and made me feel normal. I wasn't worried about my life or bummed about everything that just went down. I was still happy. Then that one thing that puts you over the top happened. And my world kind of froze. It shouldn't have been such a big deal. It shouldn't have affected me so much. Obviously it wasn't really all that. But I felt like I took a punch to the chest. Like I could hardly breathe or think. I just needed to escape. So, I did what I always do. Escaped to the bathroom for a few minutes. What an elaborate plan.
In the midst of all of these frustrations it made me think. Yeah, there are things that can put you over the top and things that seem to knock down all the positive progress you've made. But you know what? There are truly positive things that put you over the top too. Things like that dinner. Things like friends being there for you. Things like girls that are truly nice and exhibit God's love in every sense of the word. Things like friends that tell you the things you need to hear, even when they know you may not like it... and that will encourage you when they know you need it most too. I'm choosing to focus on that. To be thankful that while today there was one thing to put me over the top negatively, I had a lot of positive things in my life. Little gifts from God to help me through.
Sean showed me a John Piper video on youtube earlier. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PTc_FoELt8s&feature=related It's true. God is glorified when through whatever it is, we still praise Him. This is nothing like those extremes. But still, I choose God. I choose His way, His time, His love. I choose Him. And hearing that message again, as cheesy as it sounds, all I can think of is, "my cup floweth over." While I am sad, somehow I feel thankful. While I am deeply, deeply hurt, I feel peace. While I am experiencing waves of sorrow, I feel it's really ok. Big things are happening in my life. God brought me here. He'll bring me to the next place.
PS: If you haven't already, watch that video. It's short enough. Just do it. Thank Sean later.
5 - There's one of those in the morning now?
If you can name that quote, you get a bonus.
It's 5:20 am.
5:20
AM
What the?
Natalie and I are still in our respective spots in the living room. Laptops out, lights on, air conditioner blowing elegantly as it does.
It's amazing the things being up so early in the morning can make you do.
Like deciding maybe we want to rent a house in Lake Elsinore, they're cheap. Hey! There's a 4 bedroom house in Victorville for $1050! Let's move there!
Seriously?
Well, on early morning brain. Most definitely! On somewhat coherent and awake brain... absolutely not. We aren't moving away. We couldn't do it. Why is rent MORE in San Bernardino, Fontana, and ghetto places than Riverside? Riverside is pretty nice compared to a lot of places. Am I living in a fog here? Is Riverside the new South Central or something?
Another amazing early morning discovery. Minus hates screeching noise. How do I know this? Well... I'm not sure why, but I decided to see how high I could screech. No, not in tune with Mariah Carey this time, though she is great and definitely the best singer to sing along to ever.. just for fun. As high and annoying as possible. It didn't scare Meow Meow the scaredy cat... but Minus ran and looked around as if the place were on fire. He then turned and gave me 'the look.' I didn't even know cats knew how to give 'the look.'
We locked Meow Meow out to be social and on one of Minus' chasing activities... (which I joined in, of course, because Meow Meow's no fun,) he turned the corner, ran full speed and stopped instantly as he found himself face to face with the backside of my laptop screen. At the moment of his stop, he simultaneously shot straight up into the air about three feet. Natalie died laughing as I crumbled to the floor. Minus scurried onto the arm of the couch. That cat. He is always doing something funny. What other cat straddles the arm of the couch and sleeps the way Minus does? (If you need a refresher: http://viewmorepics.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewPicture&friendID=288340637&albumId=658867)
Anyhow, being up this early in the morning makes you crazy. But I can't sleep! It seems I'm eternally damned to be exhausted and not get on a normal schedule. At least tonight I'm not alone.
On a more serious note... things are changing. I'm frustrated and mad, yet not frustrated and not mad. I feel like all of my feelings are conflicting at the moment. I feel lost but indifferent and calm and lost. Did I mention I feel lost? Why is it so hard to be content when you feel like something is right? I didn't even do this... but it had to be done.
Darn all the complications. Will somebody just be nice to me already? Is that too much to ask for?
Crazed Cave Dweller out.
It's 5:20 am.
5:20
AM
What the?
Natalie and I are still in our respective spots in the living room. Laptops out, lights on, air conditioner blowing elegantly as it does.
It's amazing the things being up so early in the morning can make you do.
Like deciding maybe we want to rent a house in Lake Elsinore, they're cheap. Hey! There's a 4 bedroom house in Victorville for $1050! Let's move there!
Seriously?
Well, on early morning brain. Most definitely! On somewhat coherent and awake brain... absolutely not. We aren't moving away. We couldn't do it. Why is rent MORE in San Bernardino, Fontana, and ghetto places than Riverside? Riverside is pretty nice compared to a lot of places. Am I living in a fog here? Is Riverside the new South Central or something?
Another amazing early morning discovery. Minus hates screeching noise. How do I know this? Well... I'm not sure why, but I decided to see how high I could screech. No, not in tune with Mariah Carey this time, though she is great and definitely the best singer to sing along to ever.. just for fun. As high and annoying as possible. It didn't scare Meow Meow the scaredy cat... but Minus ran and looked around as if the place were on fire. He then turned and gave me 'the look.' I didn't even know cats knew how to give 'the look.'
We locked Meow Meow out to be social and on one of Minus' chasing activities... (which I joined in, of course, because Meow Meow's no fun,) he turned the corner, ran full speed and stopped instantly as he found himself face to face with the backside of my laptop screen. At the moment of his stop, he simultaneously shot straight up into the air about three feet. Natalie died laughing as I crumbled to the floor. Minus scurried onto the arm of the couch. That cat. He is always doing something funny. What other cat straddles the arm of the couch and sleeps the way Minus does? (If you need a refresher: http://viewmorepics.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewPicture&friendID=288340637&albumId=658867)
Anyhow, being up this early in the morning makes you crazy. But I can't sleep! It seems I'm eternally damned to be exhausted and not get on a normal schedule. At least tonight I'm not alone.
On a more serious note... things are changing. I'm frustrated and mad, yet not frustrated and not mad. I feel like all of my feelings are conflicting at the moment. I feel lost but indifferent and calm and lost. Did I mention I feel lost? Why is it so hard to be content when you feel like something is right? I didn't even do this... but it had to be done.
Darn all the complications. Will somebody just be nice to me already? Is that too much to ask for?
Crazed Cave Dweller out.
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