Stuck Awake

It's 2:18 AM and I am stuck awake. I wish I could just be asleep. I like sleeping. Sleeping is safe, relaxing, peaceful.

I'm in a weird mood. Season 3, Episode 19 of Gilmore Girls is playing. Many more still to come. Usually Gilmore Girls is so familiar that it's comforting but at the moment I'm slightly disinterested.

I want to know why we can't just want the things we want to want. Lots of wants in that last sentence... but really. It seems like we should be able to choose what we want. If only it were that easy! I find myself trying lately anyway. Making lists in my head and trying to coax myself consciously. Perhaps a bit more and I'll have myself completely brainwashed?

A situation that horribly angered me has reangered me. Reangered isn't a word. Angered me again? It bothers me that it makes me angry, because it's really not worth it. Something about it just hits me where it hurts the most. Then I get upset that it can upset. Really a waste of time, and that irritation is what led me to begin typing tonight. Forgiveness is hard when a situation keeps going, I think. I'm not sure if I've had to forgive this way before? Perhaps God designed it all to teach me what it REALLY means to be forgiving. Sigh. Yes, Lord. I'll try.

I love my new roommates. Tara is neurotic, open, silly, and caring. Brooke will talk to you about anything and everything, always with a smile on her face, even when she's upset or irritated. Heavenly smiles and hugs me tight, then sings amazingly, even along to the preschool songs I wander around singing. Stella Star anyone? God came through at exactly the right moment, provided for me like He faithfully does. Yahweh Yireh. Still one of the most profound things to me ever.

Turning out the lights hasn't brought me any closer to dreams. The darkness almost seems bright at the moment. How annoying.

Wall-e came out today and I can't wait to see it. I know everyone thinks I'm a dork, but every time I see that little robot I get a bit giddy. It's the little things in life, I tell you.

Every time I get into this irritated state, I feel like God nurses me into a thankful state. Not thankful with joy quite right away, but more the kind when you know your parent is right about all the good things... ha. God IS right... He is always right. The words I heard so clearly years ago still seem almost audible: "I don't make mistakes." Praise the Lord, we all know I do! It's true, there are 4 girls living here, chances for chaos. Yet, I have this great place to live, a comfortable bed, a computer to rant on, Gilmore Girls to comfort, Brooke in the next room enjoying Gilmore Girls season 1, Minus at my side, an amazing school, even more amazing professors, a great friend to go through my last quarter with and keep me accountable to staying on schedule with studying, cheap rent in a time of recession, the check Daddy sends me to help while I'm in school, a mom who lets me rant, wants to know how I'm doing, and still wants to take care of me when I'm sick, a brother who calls to tell me about the shard of metal that the doctor found in his eye, a little sister who is distraught over the $4 necklace she forgot to get back from her student teacher before she left simply because I gave it to her, a little brother who still hugs me when he sees me, another little sister who writes notes like "sorry you missed it," on her white board when I miss family dinners, and a bigger older sister who made me a special card AND got me gifts for teacher's appreciation week last year, a stepbrother who went upstairs and brought me my own fan because even though there was a fan in the room I was still hot, a stepsister that leaves me nice comments on my myspace page, an aunt who pays me so well to housesit for her.. it's truly more of a blessing for me than her! I could go on, but God has, once again, proven His point to me. Thanks for that God.

I haven't been "on" lately. It's really bothered me. I haven't been reading enough, I haven't gotten plugged into a church anywhere since Aaron and I broke up. It just feels weird being at any South Hills right now. Everyone else jumped on the Crossroads band wagon, so while I really enjoyed the Sunday night services when Chuck first came back, I want to make sure if I go there it's really just because I want to. I can't think of any other church that I'd feel ok going to service alone at, though. Maybe that means something?

Graduation is getting close. Too close? Does it make any sense to be more anxious about graduating than about all the things it takes to get there? High school boys told me I was pretty at Alberto's tonight... Brooke said I should've told them I was going to be their math teacher next year. Haha... funny yet do I really look like a student? How am I going to get the respect of those kids if I look like one of them? Blah. I know I can do it. Just overwhelmed at the moment. Overwhelmed at fixing my GPA by getting that doctor's note so they can take last quarter off the record... and so I can still get into that amazing scholar program that I was about to start. So much to do... I know it's that whole "pick one thing at a time" thing... but even that doesn't really work for me sometimes. Even the "one thing" gets to be too much. Such a spaz... one day this will fully be worked out, right?

Random Rules My World

Everytime I have some inspired thought to write in here I get distracted, am away from the computer, or simply decide I am too lazy.

Random will have to work.

After all, we have to start somewhere, right?

Lately things that should be easy seem so much more complicated. At least in line with this, the things that should be more complicated are almost too easy. How is it, though, that as these "more complicated" things have become seemingly "easy," that their new approach in the easy category makes them complicated? Roundabout in every sense.

I've decided I like the acoustic versions of Death Cab for Cutie songs much better than their originals. Please don't organize my lynching. A couple songs off of their new album have really heavy lyrics. One in particular, "You Can Do Better Than Me," is particularly intense.

We're starting to feel
We stayed together out of fear
Of dying alone
I've been slipping through the years
My old clothes don't fit like they once did
So they hang like ghosts
Of the people I've been
It's like my heart can't take
My fall in love every day
And I feel like a fool
I have to face the truth
That no one could ever look at me like you do
Like I'm something worth holding on to
These times I think of leaving
But it's something I'll never do
'Cause you can do better than me
But I can't do better than you

How horrible? Yet, I don't know many people who haven't felt that way in their life. How disconcerting... immensely disconcerting. Further, it seems that I don't know any single person for whom this is not a deep fear. I think I often feel in relationships that I'm that person looking at my beloved the way "no one could," as they stay with me out of fear, or because they don't think they can do better. I NEVER want to be that girlfriend, that wife. There's a difference between believing someone is the best for you and settling because you don't think you can do better. If that is you, do yourself, and that poor guy/girl, a favor. Suck it up and leave. Being single doesn't hurt that badly, I promise. God wants sooooo much more for us in a mate than settling and staying together out of fear of being alone! Our God is great, powerful, and loving. His plan for us is PERFECT. I don't see perfection in that scenario.

How do these always turn into some sort of rant? I'm really not upset, angry, or hurt. Just thinking. My mind tends to do a bit too much of that. Food for thought.